I BELIEVE

“Having your dreams spontaneously fulfilled is not a result of luck.  In fact, luck is a concept invented and used by those who have not yet discovered the incredible power of living in alignment with the soul, spirit and source. Once you realign with your source, you will find that you can spontaneously fulfill your desires and enjoy everyday miracles. There will never be a need to worry about when or if your dreams will come true if you hold the faith and trust that they will.”  Deepak Chopra

I first heard those words in 2012.  When change in my life was afoot but what I am actually doing today was not yet on the radar.  And although those words sounded promising and I wanted to believe them…I didn’t.

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I’m a social media poster (talk about not seeing things coming…) and I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to post today to capture what this particular New Year’s Eve feels like.  

Maybe a quote.  Or an observation.

Then I woke up this morning and this is what came flying out….

First, I believe in signs.  Earlier this fall, I was meeting with someone to help me work on my Irish accent for acting class.  While waiting in a neighborhood Starbucks for a woman I had never met (generous people abound), in walked Julianna Margulies.

My first thought was—it’s a sign!  Okay, actually, that was my second thought. My real first thought was– wow, she’s tiny.

Several weeks later I had a most nourishing (in every way) lunch with two good friends I hadn’t seen in a while.  I left them to walk back home through Central Park and all of the sudden I realized I was walking with Woody Allen.  Well, not “with” him.  But right behind him and his wife.

My first thought was—it’s a sign! Okay, again, that was my second thought.  My real first thought was—wow, they’re still married.

And looking back I can point to all kinds of random events, coincidences, and run-ins that I now see as all leading me to exactly where I am today. And so these days I don’t let anything slip by without appreciating that it might be one of those things that are going to lead me to the next place.

As 2015 is about to start, I feel a sense of deep, deep gratitude. And calm…groundedness, for lack of a better word, that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.  To the point where I didn’t even want to commit to any plans to celebrate.  My New Year’s Eve plans?  Yoga and a movie (Into the Woods!).

Something inside is telling me to let this one come in quietly.  And so i will.

Don’t get me wrong though.  This past year has not been a smooth ride. As a matter of fact, I would say that in August and September I was more anxious than I’ve ever been in my life.  Partly stemming from a lot of voices saying— oh, if you thought first year was rough, just wait… And unfortunately, I listened to that and then proceeded to freak out.  To the point where there were moments, albeit fleeting ones, where I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through second year.  Things peaked on my second week of vacation in August when—I got shingles (a very mild case–thank you for your concern).  I thought I had poison ivy–although I had no idea how I could have gotten poison ivy (I looked like I had been gardening in a bikini on my side–which I absolutely had not been doing). It never occurred to me that I could get shingles.  Oh yes, my doctor said.  I see college kids with it all the time. From stress.  

What?! But I meditate!  And do yoga! And ride my bicycle! And talk, laugh, cry…all with abandon!  Happily uncomfortable is how I described how I was feeling when people asked. 

And really? Stress? It’s not like I haven’t been under gobs of that before.

And then it sunk in.  This is not my life as I knew it.  I’ve stressed over grant application deadlines 1,000 times.  Tough conversations, rough meetings, big projects…par for the course.  But this business of acting? A new land.

And that’s how I learned that apparently, stress over new stuff is more stressful than stress over familiar stuff.  

But then things got rolling in the second year.  And, even though I still don’t always know what I’m doing, I don’t feel like I’m in a foreign land anymore.  I understand the language. And the landmarks look familiar. The words of first year that may have only made sense in theory then are now weaving their way through my soul and settling in. To how I think; how I work.  And the more this happens, the more confident I feel that it will happen again. And that if I do the work I need to do and then let it…it will keep happening.  

So, on this beautiful eve, I guess what I’m getting at is… what I’m trying to say is… that my sense of all of this is… that although I struggle to find the right words for it… and I don’t even understand how it’s all going to come together…

I believe.

                                      Happy New Year!!